By Mark Wolf, Rocky Mountain News
October 16, 2004

You like long walks on the beach, quiet nights in front of the fireplace. You like to try new things. Oh, and you're looking for a soul mate?

That narrows it down to you and the other 43 million Americans who are said to drag their trolling lines through online dating sites every month.

Still wondering why that ad doesn't resonate? Why your e-mail account isn't bulging with offers to meet you, romance you, spend eternity with you?

Turns out most people are better at dating than at writing. Trust us, it's hard work; always use sturdy gloves and eye protection.

"Up until a few years ago, it was pretty easy to write a profile that would stand out, because there weren't that many out there. Now it's hard to stand out in 100 words or less," said Jesse Keller, founder of PersonalsTrainer.com, which offers a variety of personals-writing assistance for online daters.

A plethora of sites and writers will punch up online personals for a fee. PersonalsTrainer.com's twist is a group of celebrity writers/relationship experts who are available in addition to the site's non-celebrity ad-buffers. Services range from a $29.95 non-celebrity quick tune-up to a $149.95 celebrity essay that includes a phone or background interview, up to two essays and a free round of revisions.

The stars include Sex and the City writer Aury Wallington, sex/relationship therapist Dr. Judy, Breakup Girl author Lynn Harris and Nerve.com advice columnists and sex-manual authors Em & Lo.

"I always tell people that anything that would be inappropriate to tell a person on a first date is inappropriate in an ad," said Emma Taylor of Em & Lo. "Keep it chatty and lighthearted. People go into resume mode and put this laundry list out: 'I'm funny, clever, smart, cool . . . '

"Like your 10th-grade English teacher said, 'Show, don't tell.' Don't say 'active,' say, 'Last year I hiked in the Grand Canyon and loved it.' People don't want to feel like they're shopping in a supermarket but that they're meeting real people.

"Don't use generic phrases. People say they're looking for someone who's smart and fun. Well, who's looking for someone who's dumb and dull?"

Em, who met her boyfriend online, suggests a short time lag between an online connection and an in-person meet-up.

"If you wait too long, you fill in gaps, make this person perfect, and it puts too much pressure on the in-person meeting. There's not a lot riding on that first date. I'd had five bad dates in a row before I met him," she said.

Personals ads aren't one-size- fits-all, she said. An ad placed on a site such as nerve.com should be edgier than one placed on one of the largest sites.

Men, she said, tend to add about an inch to their height in their personals.

"Men tend to be unabashed. They're 26 and they're looking for women 18 to 22. Or they're 35 and say the oldest a woman can be is 24. That doesn't make you look like the best guy. Guys have this idea that they're going to meet a supermodel.

"We look at guys' ads and they say they're looking for a woman who's 5 feet, 10 inches and 120 pounds. We say, 'Do you have any idea how freakish that woman looks? She wouldn't have the energy to stand up on a date. She needs to be hospitalized."

Too many people underestimate the impact of photographs, she said.

"You can have the funniest, coolest ad, but if your photo doesn't catch their eye, they're not going to read it. It shouldn't look like you awkwardly cropped out your ex," she said.

"Everybody has one amazing picture where you look like a supermodel, but few people have more than one. There's nothing worse than showing up and having the person be disappointed. If you post a lot of pictures, you give people a better idea.

"You should look like you're at a party or dinner party and having fun with your friends. The next time you're out, bring a digital camera and have your friends take tons of pictures. And no bikini pictures. They're too cheesy."